How to boost your child's confidence.

Specialists from the charity Go Beyond explain how parents can boost the self-esteem and positivity of their children.

Most adults go through periods of low confidence but recent research suggests that one in three children in the UK are also suffering with a lack of confidence or low self-esteem. So, is your child one of them?

Children's charity Go Beyond, which provides free residential breaks for vulnerable children, and is one of the charities supported in this year's Telegraph Christmas Charity Appeal, says that in 2023, 26.4% of those aged between 8 and 13 referred to them have anxiety.

"These are high percentages," says Karen Puszczynzka, Go Beyond's Director for Development and Sustainability. "We're seeing the massive effect of the pandemic. And even though the cost of living crisis is seen as an adult issue, children are feeling it."

It doesn't help that children also live in the information age, with modern methods of media making it almost impossible to filter or shield them from huge stressors.

"Never mind events in their own households like school or divorce," explains Nadim Saad, parenting coach and founder of The Happy Confident Company. "You have eight-year-olds talking about the war in Israel, climate change, even AI taking their jobs when they are older."

And our frontal cortex, responsible for judgement and abstract thinking, isn't fully developed until the age of 25, so children are literally not able to process these feelings of uncertainty, with dire consequences for their confidence. No wonder it is more important than ever to teach our children confidence.

"Confidence is a skill. It is something that we learn," explains Karen. "Covid meant many children missed out some of those building blocks. We have to start plugging those gaps."

Saad agrees. "We are not going to be able to stop the information age. But what you can do is give them better foundations for them to be able to process it."

Tips to help your child become more confident

Allow them to fail

Most experts agree that failure is essential for your child to develop into a confident adult who will continue to try new pursuits throughout life. "To build resilience they absolutely have to fail," explains Saad. "They have to feel disappointment. They have to train that frustration muscle."

What can you do to help this? Encourage them to try new things and don't get upset about mistakes. Embrace imperfection. "Dealing with a fear of failure will help open the world and its possibilities to them," says Puszczynzka.

Allow them to feel

The urge to make everything better for your upset child is a natural one. But you could be holding them back from their own sense of agency. Plus, the method of our distraction can be actively damaging their self-esteem.

"We used to reassure them; now, we give them a screen," says Saad. "They get a shot of dopamine that works initially, but, immediately after, they start looking at stuff that actually makes them feel worse."

Instead, make them feel safe with your presence, and teach them strategies to shift their uncomfortable feelings, by asking themselves how they would like to feel, or practising belly breathing.

Teach them emotional language so they understand what they are feeling. "Help them to differentiate between excitement which is 'good' and anxiety which is 'understandable' but needs to be managed," says Puszczynzka.

Set clear boundaries around their social media

Recent studies show that up to 66 per cent of girls say their confidence is influenced by how attractive they feel, and social media is a major contributing factor.

Explain to them that social media is unrealistic and how comparing themselves to heavily edited images is unhelpful. Encourage them to imagine influencers setting up their camera to get back into bed to film themselves "waking up". Suggest they unfollow anyone who makes them feel bad and remind them that being less than perfect is human and applies to everyone.

From a safety point of view, insist they accept your friend request so you can see who they follow, and who follows them, and set time limits of how often they can access their account.

Encourage them to keep a journal

Humans have a bias towards the negative, meaning your children may naturally mull over what's gone wrong in the day without even realising it. But research has shown that we can rewire our brain to become more positive by acknowledging three things we are grateful for on a daily basis.

"Within a week of writing their gratitudes, children start actively looking for more positives in life," explains Saad.

Aside from gratitude, writing down their thoughts can give them perspective. "Encouraging children to write about their day can put distance on negative feelings about themselves."

This positivity then boosts their feelings of self-worth and confidence.

Don't fix all their problems

As much as you might want to, offering all the solutions to your child's challenges can hinder their metacognition, the ability to think about our thoughts, which is what differentiates us from animals. Instead, stand back and give them limited choices.

"When something happens, be in active listening and ask what they're going to do about it," says Saad. "Initially they might not know but, very quickly, they start to practise finding their own solutions to their challenges and that is what empowers them."

Choose your praise carefully

We all want to celebrate when our child achieves top marks or a lead role, but solely praising achievement can backfire in one of three ways. The child who is less confident by nature may simply not believe you and then start to dismiss everything you say.

With more naturally confident children, the opposite will happen, but they may either believe they no longer have to try and fail when they are really tested later, or they stay in their comfort zone, rather than taking risks in their learning zone, and never reach their potential.

"Praise for being amazing or being smart, these are things children don't control," says Saad. "And that's not useful, because as soon as they have a doubt, they can crumble."

Praise things within their control, such as effort rather than result. And encourage their sense of self by switching out phrases such as "I am so proud of you" to "You must be proud of yourself".

Chart progress and praise perseverance

Children do not have the realisation of their growth, so it's important to set goals and chart progress. Encourage them to make a list of things they'd like to accomplish, then break them down into realistic bench-marks.

Conquering their fear of public speaking? Make a tally in their workbook every time they answer a question in class. Too nervous to join the athletics team? Star the calendar every time they take part in the local Park Run.

"We forget to celebrate these small achievements as we are always looking for something big," says Saad. "We are not celebrating ourselves enough."

Get into nature

A 2019 UCL research showed that four out of five children say they feel more confident after spending time outdoors.

"Being indoors tends to be very passive," explains Go Beyond's Puszczynzka. "Being outdoors in the environment makes you more actively involved. You are actually building a fire or climbing a tree. All of those things you don't tend to do if you sat on your own in your bedroom on a games console."

Spend free time in your local park or sign them up for activity-based clubs such as Cubs, Scouts or Woodcraft Folk.

Model confidence yourself

Children do as we do, not as we say. If you want your child to have healthy self-esteem and confidence, then be the role model they need.

"Modelling confidence is crucial," says Puszczynzka. "Be positive and smiley. A lot of children don't understand what a subtle facial expression means."

Avoid unhelpful critical self-talk about your body and abilities to set a good example. That doesn't mean that you don't acknowledge your anxiety, just don't focus on it.

Article by Debbie McQuoid
Posted 22 November, 2023


Published by The Telegraph